i filled the van with gas today. it was bittersweet.
i filled it because on monday night, we are leaving for f-town. we are headed up to see mattie and i fear it will be the last time. her pain is so bad that she has a pump, which is hooked to the wall. she hates being hooked to anything. she has spent her life hooked to machines. it's so unfair.
i am feeling anxious because i know what is coming, but at the same time, i don't. i don't know how i will handle myself seeing her. i don't know how i will handle jack when he is puzzled because she can't get up to play. i don't know how i will handle my husband's emotions, as he keeps them bottled up inside. i don't know how i will swallow my vomit when jackson says "mattie is sick."
i know i will cry. i know i will take photos. i know i will force smiles onto my face and i know i will bite my tongue. i know i will cry the whole 4 hour drive home. i know i will look at my child in a new light, and let him get away with anything for the next few days. i know i will cry on the phone with my best friend. i know i will thank the universe for this little girl, crossing and uncrossing her legs in my tummy. i will call my mom and she won't be able to say the right thing. i will repeat the phrases "what are they going to do?" and "how are we going to handle this?" and even "can you imagine if this was us?" to my husband...over and over.
but that is next tuesday. and today is friday. so i have until then.
and that is how i have to live these days.