anxiety

i filled the van with gas today. it was bittersweet.

i filled it because on monday night, we are leaving for f-town. we are headed up to see mattie and i fear it will be the last time. her pain is so bad that she has a pump, which is hooked to the wall. she hates being hooked to anything. she has spent her life hooked to machines. it's so unfair.

i am feeling anxious because i know what is coming, but at the same time, i don't. i don't know how i will handle myself seeing her. i don't know how i will handle jack when he is puzzled because she can't get up to play. i don't know how i will handle my husband's emotions, as he keeps them bottled up inside. i don't know how i will swallow my vomit when jackson says "mattie is sick."

i know i will cry. i know i will take photos. i know i will force smiles onto my face and i know i will bite my tongue. i know i will cry the whole 4 hour drive home. i know i will look at my child in a new light, and let him get away with anything for the next few days. i know i will cry on the phone with my best friend. i know i will thank the universe for this little girl, crossing and uncrossing her legs in my tummy. i will call my mom and she won't be able to say the right thing. i will repeat the phrases "what are they going to do?" and "how are we going to handle this?" and even "can you imagine if this was us?" to my husband...over and over.

but that is next tuesday. and today is friday. so i have until then.

and that is how i have to live these days.

old barn rescue

i had this custom decal made for baby claire's room. it's been custom made by oldbarnrescuecompany.com. they were FANTASTIC to work with, and super fast. as in...i paid them via paypal on friday morning and it was shipped and reached me on monday.

if you order, tell them i sent ya :)

kiss off!

i feel like that is what the boy is saying to me lately.

it's hard to parent when you don't feel like you are on the same page as your partner all the time...especially when you're sure the other has never even cracked the book. it's a hard transition to let it go when you are the one home with your child all.day.long and you know what works and what doesn't. and it's frustrating when the unhappiness is obvious in your child.

we had an easy baby. quite possibly the easiest ever. when my sister came to see him at 6 weeks old, she frantically called her husband, in a 3-hour time difference to tell him "todd! you would NEVER beleive this baby! it's unfair!"

we are encountering some struggles. and the worst part? they are things that are 100% my fault, and i can admit it. myy bff tries to be reassuring and tells me "it's a learning experience!" but i still feel awful.

but at least i can admit it....but it doesn't make me feel better.

{he is} so pretty

to jackson on his third

dear jack,

today you are three years old. there is no doubt about it, you are no longer a baby. this year has brought us so much joy. we watched you become potty trained (almost 100%) and began using full, run-on sentences. we watched you play with your cousin mattie and form a strong bond with her. it seems like you know when she is having rough days, because you look up from your toys and say something about her. you have even told me "mattie has bad booboo" but the scary part is, you don't even know she is sick...or what the word "bad" is.

you continue to abuse the dog, and i do nothing to stop it - i think i appreciate it sometimes. you love the garbage man like he is a parent, and you continue to make friends wherever you go. people often tell us you are the cutest little boy they have ever seen. you remember everything...i think you get it from your aunt nea.

you are a shopper. you often tell me i need to pick something up from the "gwocery stoooore" or the "fish stooooore" and you give the best cuddles after your nap. you have been asking me to rock you and i don't mind it at all.

you have given us challenges this year, and we struggle in maintaining our discipline. i sometimes feel as though we fail you in this department, but we are trying....i promise you. our ability to parent like normal parents has been affected by your beloved mattie and her illness. we don't sleep when you are sick, and i can feel my heart beat a little faster any time you come down with a cold, or even have an "off day." i am so sorry for that, but i don't know that it will ever go away. loving you so much can be scary for me.

you seem to be excited about your little sister, claire. you helped build the shelves in her room and tell everyone it's your job to get her diapers. you love books and to count. tom and jerry are heroes in your little blue eyes, and you often tell us tales of their adventures. you adore your daddy's tools and talk about going fishing this summer. your daddy is counting down the days until he can take you. your daddy loves you so much.

thanks for making me a mom. thanks for making me a happy person, and to see the important things in my life. thanks for sharing your snacks, and patting my back when i get terrible morning sickness. and for understanding me on the days when i just want to hold you a little longer than necessary. and for holding me, too. you always seem to know when i need it most.

please don't stop being my alarm clock at 7am...those little hands in my hair are some of my most treasured moments....when i keep my eyes closed because i know the longer i do, the longer you play with my hair - trying to wake me. please don't stop reminding me to appreicate the small things in life...like a new box of crayons or the genuine laugh of a little boy having fun.

my hope for you is that the world continues to treat you with the genuine love and sweetness that you express into it, each day that you breathe. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect child because i had no idea a person of your calibur could exist.

i love you so much.

love, mommy

3 years ago

3 years ago today, there was the beginning of a huge snowstorm. marc and i had what we refer to as "the last supper" at our favorite restaraunt.

the following day i was to be induced. and our lives changed forever...

:)

cancer blows

for various reasons...my heart hurts today. as in, aches.

the worst is that it's only a small amount of pain compared to what's coming.

how does one bury a child? how does one know their little baby will never go to kindergarten, never learn to read, never ride a bus? never have another birthday, holiday, go trick-or-treating? how do you deal with that? how do you cope? how do you move on?

how do you go on living? i can't even imagine.

baby c

i forgot to mention.....

the baby's name is claire. :)

we love it!

missing my weekend

well, the snow has ceased to fall...for now. a guess they are saying a few more inches over teh next few days. meh.

we had a great weekend. i ordered the decals on friday for baby's room, and they were shipped on friday afternoon - talk about fast! we will see when they arrive...

went to a birthday party on friday night-it was fun! jackson had a great time and marc was able to help out in a crisis. who knew geotracks were so complicated?

saturday we cleaned and got some things done...we now have a new playroom and office and craft space! woo hoo! SUCH a huge difference. huge. we will be able to stay organized and i can finish working on some projects. we will now have a space to host overnight guests, too. i worked a short shift and my new store (LOVE it!) and got some really cute maternity clothes. also picked up a new diaper bag, a gift from my mom. i love it already!

sunday i headed to joann's and got some fabric. some is going back. TODAY. it's totally wrong. finished a few new style burp cloths and a cute cute onesie for baby. i still have to make a shirt for jack's birthday party next week. and finish up a few loose ends for a shower i am helping out with.

whew! a busy but very productive weekend. :)

snow!

it's snowing here.....and totally beautiful. big, fat flakes that are creating puffy mounds on the trees, plants, railings, and the deck.

hopefully i can get some pictures this weekend. it makes me really homesick for beautiful new england.

sigh...

craftin'

so this morning i worked hard on some craft projects i have been putting off. i sewed 2 burpcloths for a dear friend who is expecting twin boys on the same day as my girl :) and swed 2 burpcloths for my little one! they are cutey!

i also used an awesome tutorial to make a changin pad cover for 2.0's room. it came out adorable and was SO SO SO simple. i am going to make more....this time with a little more flare! i can't wait.

i feel like time is approaching so fast, there are so many things i want to do!

color samples came in the mail today for 2.0's wall decals. the etsy seller is fantastic so far, and i will be sure to update when we order.

hopefully m will hang the door(s) this weekend and then i can paint them. i also scored a playmat from a friend for only $10 this week (i felt like i was robbing her, but that is what she asked for it!) and another friend mentioned that she read on here that i was looking for the crib soother. low and behold, she has one, new in the box and is giving it to me at a hefty discount. thanks, amber and miriam!!!

{our} boy

we loves him.