thoughts on thursday

There comes a point in your life when you realize: who matters, who never did, who won't anymore...and who always will. So, don't worry about the people from your past because there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future. - friend from facebook

on another note, i feel like there are so many things in my life right now that are just hanging in limbo, dependent on others to determine. i hate it. i hate leaving my fate up to another, especially when sometimes you feel like you can't trust people.

hopefully things will be changing!

having limited internet

sucks. big time.

i am here, alive and kicking. i am super excited about a new opportunity that was dropped on me today. it would be so great for me and my little family......stay tuned!!!

random things

my kid is so funny. his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds but he is yet to really form sentences.

today i changed his diaper and said "ewwwwwwwww louis! you stink!" he said "sorry, mommy!"

just now he hugged the fridge and gave it a kiss.

i made a sad noise when i dopped my bag this morning and he said "it okay, mommy" and hugged me.

he comes rolling into the kitchen on his tricycle with marc's bike helmet on. sideways.

i heart him.

a few from the 4th

jim the dog.

jack the amazing swimming baby.

my boys. hard at work.

i wish i was joking.

new recipies

one thing i love about being a SAHM is getting dinner ready for my family. i love that marc comes home and he heads out to the yard and plays with his little boy while i bring food to the table. granted, it's sometimes a drive-thru dinner, but alas.....i can cook. really.

the first is a dip from Real Simple. it was really simple! we decided that it would be fantastic if made a little thinner and used as a spread on a grilled chicken sammy. mmmmmmmmm...

1C sour cream

10 oz thawed, drained chopped spinach

1 clove of garlic

salt and pepper

1/4 FRESH grated parmsesan (i buy the wedge and grate it myself. no Kraft in this house! blech!)

mix well and chill until very cold. i served it with homemade pita chips. it was heavenly.

the second is also from Real Simple. it was supposed to be a salsa but i wanted it as a salad, so i chopped it larger and more coarsely.

mix equal parts of roma tomatoes, red onion, yellow pepper, and toss in a pre-blended mix of 1T olive oil and 1T red wine vinegar (i added a touch of sugar) with salt and pepper.

memorable words monday

"when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them." maya angelou

look who has hair!

cancer free!

toddler tip tuesday

i know it's wednesday. give me some slack :)

when your little one is ready for table food, use a cheap-o pair of kitchen shears or plain scissors. you can cut more precisely and quickly. keep a spare in your diaper bags for restaruants, to avoid a mess and akward cutting. it will also help to cut up food that is too hot (isn't it always?) to cool quicker. when i was running my daycare, it was a MUST HAVE ITEM.

when you have a sick toddler, and are using the armpit method of taking his temp, dress him in a sleeveless shirt or muscle tee. no pulling arms through of sleeves or fishing around in a loose t-shirt. you know how it is when you have a fever-ish toddler that is c.r.a.b.b.y.

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intervention

i watch intervention all the time. i cry every single time. my husband asks why.....and i never tell him.

in my old job, as a child protective services worker, i had a variety of clients. ther ewere a few that stuck out in my mind. a few that i will never forget.

one will never leave my memory. in fact, i think of him every.single.day. he came to me as the father of an itty-bitty baby. he had a drug problem. he was violent and angry. he was manipulative and deceitful. he was charming, he was sweet, he was nice. we will call him brad.

brad was in a hostile realtionship with his daughter's mom. they manipulated each other and manipulated me. he had a serious problem with drugs. a serious problem. when he came to me, he had been through 22 treatment programs and was still using crack cocaine. he had a very inappropriate relationship with his own mother, and she was waaaay too involved in his life. she enabled him and bailed him out.

whenever he would call me, i went to him. i once got a call that he was high and destroying property, and was dangerous to be around. i hopped in my car, arrived at his place, and begged him to let me in. he broke down and cried and we talked. i convinced him that he was better than this, because he was. he came from a nice family, had an expensive education, and he did not belong with the other families that i worked with.

i saw him weekly. he called me no less than 5-10 times a day. he was a little....high-maintenance. :) he would often show up in my lobby, demanding to see me, making a scene. his hair would be sticking out, his fly would be open, but he always greeted me with that rediculous, goofy smile. even when he was in prison or jail, and i would visit him there, and he woudl shout and spit at me through the glass...he would always look like a little boy.

as much as he manipulated me, and made look like a fool, and even as many times as i went to bat for him....i liked him a lot. i always told him so, and that he had so much potential. his mother would scream at me. she would call me names. she would manipulate me, too. they all did.

towards the end, he spiraled out of control. i had a very memorable conversation with him, urging him to "do the right thing....." what everyone knew he was capable of. i reassured him that i had faith in him, and that i would see him the next day at 1pm. he said "sarah, thanks. i may abuse you, but i appreciate all you have ever done for me. you're the only one who has never turned their back on me." i was happy.

the next morning, i arrived at sharon's house (his mom) to see his baby. when i got there sharon told me "well, sarah, you got your wish. brad won't be a problem anymore. he's dead." i stared at her and said no, no he wasn't. that i had an appointment with him soon after i was leaving her home. she nodded and said that brad had taken his own life. and it was my fault.

she said many more things to me, things that i can't even repeat. things i know are not true, but that stick in the back of my mind.....i think about him every single day of my life. i drive by the place where his funeral took place every time i leave my house. i wonder about him and his mom. there were so many incidents with him, on a daily occurence, that stick out in my mind. years of daily interactions. some hilarious, some sad. some that make me furious, some that embarrass me.

i remember the look on his dad's face as i walked to my car that day. the way he chased me and said "sarah! it's not your fault. it's not anyone's fault. it was his destiny." and the way i burst into tears and cried. and cried. and cried. and got sent home from work that day. the way that i layed on my couch and waited for my mom's flight to arrive for my baby shower. i remember every minute of his funeral, and the way his family's eyes burned into my back. the nudges and glances as well as the knowing looks of "oh.....you're the one who was supposed to help him."

i think that is why i watch intervention. i see brad in every addict. i see sharon in every.single.family.member. i look for the thing i missed. i know i did everything in my power, and i know i could not have changed his fate. if he hadn't died by his own hand, he would have died from the drugs. but then why am i still looking?

thankful thursday!

today i thankful for...

a beautiful sunny day with my boy
fresh strawberries
my husband
friends that give just as much as they take
grilling out tonight

oh so funny!

listen, mrs F-bomb ..... don't give yourself too much credit. your entry was neither whitty nor original. keep trying.

per usual, your blog (yawn) is full of things written/done by other people. don't beleive me? here's your pic.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3657/3413625562_13f6d79739.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/16842966%40N00/3413625562/&h=333&w=500&sz=128&tbnid=qr5zvQamkg1MqM:&tbnh=87&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dimages%2Bof%2Bswiper%2Band%2Bboots%2Bon%2Ba%2Bcake&hl=en&usg=__iuNpps5Xm_uauYjv77Z-3TVj49Y=&ei=s0k2SorFKILSNPGGwIIK&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image

jack's new room - jungle themed room

Not the best photos, but these will do. I made the quilt and the elephant pillow. The rocking chair Marc and I stained when I was pregnant. The cubes are from Target, and the furniture is from PBK, as is the window hardware, the lamp, the lion pillow, the rug, and the animal mobile over the bed. I also made the sheers that hang behind the regular curtains. The photos are ones I took last year at the zoo and the animals on the shelves are from the $1 spot at Target.

so.damn.tired.

i need to stick to my guns. i really need to stop letting things bother me, things people do or don't say get to me, including family. including friends. including coworkers.

my homey dr. phil says that you can't expect reactions from others and then get disappointed when you don't receive them. i need to stop expecting certain reactions from those i love or even just like, even those i know are capable and willing to give the best of themselves to others. even those who i KNOW give those actions to others.

that's it. that's all. the end :)

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summer has begun

love this!

this chick rocks. and i will soon be making samoa cupcakes for father's day. i adore her and her blog. check her out:

http://the-cooking-of-joy.blogspot.com/

i love this idea, and will buying one of these asap.

drifters

in 1998, i packed up and left my teeny tiny town in new hampshire. i left behind mountains, bautiful landscapes, a wealthy farm town that was full of equestrian rings and apple orchards, cheap seafood, and a house in the woods. i left my family, my friends, everyone i knew. i left my boyfriend. my clothes. my pictures. my best friend.

i moved to ohio. humid, dry, flat ohio. columbus, where people think a particular zip code is a bragging right. where i learned the rules and rituals of dorm life. where i watched people go home on the weekends, and on holidays. where i watched through email that all my friends from home were still hanging out. i learned to depend on myself, and only myself.

i got a job. 2 jobs, in fact. i still went to school full time and shared an apartment off campus and had a new boyfriend. some of my realtionships from freshman year dwindled and i started a new job on a whim, and never expected my life to change so dramatically. i met her at the daycare, our lives were as about as differnt as they could be. her name was nea and she had a one year old baby girl. she was married and had moved here from sunny california.

although we seemed different at that time, it was amazing to see how much the same we were. we liked the same things, had teh same passions, have the same thoughts. if you ever got on either one of our bad sides......we have been known to tag team. and not in THAT way. i don't even think we particularly cared for each other very much at first.

now, almost 10 years later, we are still tight. i graduated from ohio state, married that boyfriend, and had a baby. she bought a house, had TWO MORE KIDS, and moved away.

i don't think i will ever get over that. thinking about her moving is like being dropped off in my dorm room all over again. that panicky feeling of looking to the left and to the right, wondering "what the fuck am i going to do now?" only she understands truly how it feels to watch your heart walk away as you leave your beloved family members at the airport. or how it is to have no family there to celebrate holidays, or your birthday with. to have no gifts to open....

i recently asked her why she thought i have had so many failed relationships in the past year. she told me that i am trying to replace/reinvent something that i am missing. that feeling of having someone so close to you that they can understand what you are saying when you say "do we need to go to that place, and get that thing?" and know what it is you are saying. she thinks i am desperate to get it.

the truth is, i don't want to replace her. i don't want to, and don't think that i ever could, find someone to fill her shoes.

but i still want her here. i miss you, bonquita.

corn salad

O.M.G.

http://happilyeverlaughter.blogspot.com/2008/06/tastes-of-summer.html

so f-ing good.

go sarah!

so, we got new cable/phone/internet service. just by switching, we will be earning 200 bucks cash! nice! but when i found out that our new ADT system no longer works, and we have to pay more to ADT just to make it work again, i was mad.

so i called our new provider and told them they needed to give me the extra $ that i have to pay to ADT, as a credit each month. and they did! so we will get and extra $15 off our bill, which is actually a little more than we will owe to ADT. sweet!

and M brought home some plants today...actually, they are trees! for free! now our home will start to look (a little) like a landscape architect DOES live here! lol

(no, they are not blue holly, miss nea) :)

oops.

i stink! i forgot my make it yours monday AND my two truth tues. geez! oh well. i hav ebeen over-scheduling myself and it shows. i work part time at PBK and trying to run my little business on the side...plus i have another part time job. AND trying to stay at home and keep things flowing. trying to clean out the old and de-clutter and stay clean and organized. getting back on the diet bandwagon, with which i am making strides and i am excited about that!

lately i have been feeling overwhelmed and like i am in a sinking hole. i have had to step back from a few engagements, which makes me sad, but at the same time, i have no choice.

it's really funny. this time last year, my income was higher. we had more overall debt. we had zero money in savings and were sturggling. right now, we have pretty much ZERO debt. we should mainly be out of it in the next month or two, and it was only incurred from having to use one credit card from our robbery for a month. our income is less, but we have money in savings and are doing better overall.

i truly think getting rid of my dayvare kid(s), which was sucking the LIFE out of me (and their non-complying parents) taught me so many things and we are so so so much happier now. i am not a prayer-type person, but i have been praying and hoping and trying to see things in different lights....and it's working. we are about to begin some exciting (to us, at least) projects around our home and rather than always chasing that bigger-better-more mentality, we are going to make the best of what we have.

sorry for rambling. it's just sort of a looming cloud. but a happy cloud, like bob ross said :)

sometimes

sometimes i feel like i am a square peg, and the world is that round hole.

i shouldn't say sometimes, it has always been there. and it's really feeling that way right now.

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the playset!

marc has worked really hard! he had to cut all the lumber by hand....i treated all the wood....over 300 screws and 200 bolts and lots of hours. it's done!

two truths and a lie

the long abandoned "two truths". you know how the game is played, folks.

1. i once saw someone i know on jerry springer
2. my friend once got robbed at a bank, and put into the vault
3. i never was a fan of NKOTB when they were popular

which two are the truth and which one is a lie?

make it yours MONDAY! marshmallows on a stick!

new element to the blog! make it yours monday!

my friend erin inspired me for these. she makes them often and i 100% borrowed the idea from her (www.erintenneyjohnson.blogspot.com). they are super simple and soooo good. she serves her without the plastic covering, but i serve mine with the plastic. (does that count as how i make it my own? lol)

here's how we do it:

supplies: one bag of large marshmallows, one package of thin sticks, one package of small cellaphane treat bags, one package of Wilton Candy Melters, and colored sprinkles.

before i start i roll the marshys between my hands slightly to shape them up and insert the stick as far as it will go before it pokes out the end. do this with al of them.

in a double boiler melt the chocolate according to the directions. remove bowl from double boiler and dip in the marshys until halfway covered. stand upright in a container but don't allow them to touch. (i use a drinking glass - they lean over the side) and sprinkle with, well, sprinkles! they will get everywhere but it's okay. they will dry in about 5 minutes. (i would do batches of the marshys, they will cool too fast if you do them all at once).

once they are cooled, put them in the small cellaphane bags and tie with coordinating ribbons as tightly as you can.

erin did some her way with strawberry marshys and white chocolate. hers had easter-colored sprinkles and i made some for jack's elmo party with yellow sprinkles and red sprinkles. and mine for easter were classic chocolate with easter-colored sprinkles.

make it your own with white chocolate drizzled over your marshys, or even something else!

have fun!

long overdue, but we had a great easter. the bunny was good to jack, and we were intived to the johnsons' home for easter brunch. it was so wonderful and her family was so sweet. it was a fun day. thanks, e!

a work in progress

here is where it started. that fence is 8 feet, so you can get an idea.it's a big tree.

down in the yard!

and he is just under 6 feet tall, so it's surely a large tree.

an update soon! woo hoo!

rough week

we have had a rough week. we put jackson on his crib mattress on the floor.

the first day for nap, i sat with him in his room. i sat because he would come running out of the room and giggle and play games. he jumped, got on and off his bed, and was a wild man.

my bff, who has worked with more kids than i can count, was my personal coach throughout the whole thing. and i value what she say, because she has the three most well-behaved children i have ever seen. seriously. anywho.

after 4 hours on weds, i had to get up. so we got up and he cheered. literally. that night, he went down in about 15 seconds.

thursday, i bumped the timing back an hour, and there we sat. for 3 hours. no nap. last night he also went out like a light.

today, friday, he messed around on his bed. AND WENT TO SLEEP. i am in shock. shock and awe. and a little bit sad.

a few things that have worked on other kids, that did not work on mine:

laying with your child. he loved it, but it was a no-go.

sitting next to the bed. epic failure.

avoiding eye contact and staring straight ahead. nope.

avoiding eye contact and placing him into the sleeping position, not speaking or giving any attention. all aboard the fail boat!

spanking. nope.

shouting. colossal disappointment.

what worked for us? currency, as nea calls it. jack's favorite form of currency? his binky aka beebee.

when he would flail around like a fish out of water or stand, or jump or whatever bad-ass-kid move he was trying to pull, i told him "no more beebee" and would take it. i would ask if he wanted it and then tell him he had to lay down and go night night.

i would check in on him and when i found him disrupting from sleeping, we would re-discuss the beebee.

and he is sleeping. it took a while to get there, but we did.

next up, potty. yikes.

it's time...

Our little boys is growing up. he is done with his crib, and often begs to sleep in "mom bed!" i ordered this bed on saturday, but in the espresso color.





and this dresser, also in espresso. it can also be used as a changing table.

i also got this table, in espresso.

haven't gotten the chairs yet, but these are in the running. i think i like the light green, or red. not sure yet!

we got a HECK of a deal on them....all (except the chairs) for the price of the bed. hooray!

they should come soon. the table is already here. it's a huge hit. :)

it doesn't stop!

so our house was robbed recently. not only did they get away with tons of cash, gift cards, and ALL OUR CARDS AND ID's, as well as went grocery shopping on our bill...but clearly they enjoy the show "lost". BECAUSE THEY RENTED ALL OF THEM FROM BLOCKBUSTER AND NEVER RETURNED THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGGHHHHH!

i feel violated all over again.

bad blogger!

i am a bad blogger. i admit it.

i will do better starting next week. promise.

we are really busy clearing/cleaning our back yard for our new playset! i have been sealing the treated lumber today (with lots of help from jack - ugh!!!) and while i am at work tonight, hope that marc will finish it. i can dream, right? my brother was in from sunny cali last weekend and we had a great visit.

nerd alert! i am geeked because i found a website where i can order monarch butterfly eggs and watch them hatch. i am WAY excited. monarchs are my favorite butterfly and i have a long history with them. sentimental stuff. we have to wait until july. poop.

we are getting ready to order a bed for jacks as well as a dresser. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...he is too big!!! i am so not ready!

a year!

so much has changed in a year.

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i was just thinking about the shitty run of luck that marc and i have had lately. it all started when mattie (our niece) got sick. i was thinking about how her cancer was really the starting point of it all.....then i realized something.

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one year ago today, marc left to visit st. jude's, where mattie et al. was living. i was left home with a miserable baby who was cutting 5 teeth at once. i didn't sleep more than 20 minute stretches and fed him ice cream ALL WEEKEND LONG, because it's all he could eat. i felt sorry for myself and wondered if it could get any worse. what was i THINKING?

.

tomorrow is mattie's birthday. she will be 4. there was a time where we didn't think it would happen. we didn't think we would be traveling to celebrate. we certainly didn't think we would be seeing her in remission, with HAIR, and being able to play with our son.

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i will return with photos of a cancer-free little girl, and her happy cousin, playing together and celebrating such an important day.

blooms and butterflies

blooms and butterflies

interactive play

Jack has begun the phase of imaginative play. I seriously adore it. It's so cute to walk into the room and see him marching around his little people and feeding them sandwiches.

Today, I caught him taking his toy "doogie" to get a drink.

I am eternally grateful to be able to watch him grow and develop before my eyes, every single day.