intervention

i watch intervention all the time. i cry every single time. my husband asks why.....and i never tell him.

in my old job, as a child protective services worker, i had a variety of clients. ther ewere a few that stuck out in my mind. a few that i will never forget.

one will never leave my memory. in fact, i think of him every.single.day. he came to me as the father of an itty-bitty baby. he had a drug problem. he was violent and angry. he was manipulative and deceitful. he was charming, he was sweet, he was nice. we will call him brad.

brad was in a hostile realtionship with his daughter's mom. they manipulated each other and manipulated me. he had a serious problem with drugs. a serious problem. when he came to me, he had been through 22 treatment programs and was still using crack cocaine. he had a very inappropriate relationship with his own mother, and she was waaaay too involved in his life. she enabled him and bailed him out.

whenever he would call me, i went to him. i once got a call that he was high and destroying property, and was dangerous to be around. i hopped in my car, arrived at his place, and begged him to let me in. he broke down and cried and we talked. i convinced him that he was better than this, because he was. he came from a nice family, had an expensive education, and he did not belong with the other families that i worked with.

i saw him weekly. he called me no less than 5-10 times a day. he was a little....high-maintenance. :) he would often show up in my lobby, demanding to see me, making a scene. his hair would be sticking out, his fly would be open, but he always greeted me with that rediculous, goofy smile. even when he was in prison or jail, and i would visit him there, and he woudl shout and spit at me through the glass...he would always look like a little boy.

as much as he manipulated me, and made look like a fool, and even as many times as i went to bat for him....i liked him a lot. i always told him so, and that he had so much potential. his mother would scream at me. she would call me names. she would manipulate me, too. they all did.

towards the end, he spiraled out of control. i had a very memorable conversation with him, urging him to "do the right thing....." what everyone knew he was capable of. i reassured him that i had faith in him, and that i would see him the next day at 1pm. he said "sarah, thanks. i may abuse you, but i appreciate all you have ever done for me. you're the only one who has never turned their back on me." i was happy.

the next morning, i arrived at sharon's house (his mom) to see his baby. when i got there sharon told me "well, sarah, you got your wish. brad won't be a problem anymore. he's dead." i stared at her and said no, no he wasn't. that i had an appointment with him soon after i was leaving her home. she nodded and said that brad had taken his own life. and it was my fault.

she said many more things to me, things that i can't even repeat. things i know are not true, but that stick in the back of my mind.....i think about him every single day of my life. i drive by the place where his funeral took place every time i leave my house. i wonder about him and his mom. there were so many incidents with him, on a daily occurence, that stick out in my mind. years of daily interactions. some hilarious, some sad. some that make me furious, some that embarrass me.

i remember the look on his dad's face as i walked to my car that day. the way he chased me and said "sarah! it's not your fault. it's not anyone's fault. it was his destiny." and the way i burst into tears and cried. and cried. and cried. and got sent home from work that day. the way that i layed on my couch and waited for my mom's flight to arrive for my baby shower. i remember every minute of his funeral, and the way his family's eyes burned into my back. the nudges and glances as well as the knowing looks of "oh.....you're the one who was supposed to help him."

i think that is why i watch intervention. i see brad in every addict. i see sharon in every.single.family.member. i look for the thing i missed. i know i did everything in my power, and i know i could not have changed his fate. if he hadn't died by his own hand, he would have died from the drugs. but then why am i still looking?