drifters

in 1998, i packed up and left my teeny tiny town in new hampshire. i left behind mountains, bautiful landscapes, a wealthy farm town that was full of equestrian rings and apple orchards, cheap seafood, and a house in the woods. i left my family, my friends, everyone i knew. i left my boyfriend. my clothes. my pictures. my best friend.

i moved to ohio. humid, dry, flat ohio. columbus, where people think a particular zip code is a bragging right. where i learned the rules and rituals of dorm life. where i watched people go home on the weekends, and on holidays. where i watched through email that all my friends from home were still hanging out. i learned to depend on myself, and only myself.

i got a job. 2 jobs, in fact. i still went to school full time and shared an apartment off campus and had a new boyfriend. some of my realtionships from freshman year dwindled and i started a new job on a whim, and never expected my life to change so dramatically. i met her at the daycare, our lives were as about as differnt as they could be. her name was nea and she had a one year old baby girl. she was married and had moved here from sunny california.

although we seemed different at that time, it was amazing to see how much the same we were. we liked the same things, had teh same passions, have the same thoughts. if you ever got on either one of our bad sides......we have been known to tag team. and not in THAT way. i don't even think we particularly cared for each other very much at first.

now, almost 10 years later, we are still tight. i graduated from ohio state, married that boyfriend, and had a baby. she bought a house, had TWO MORE KIDS, and moved away.

i don't think i will ever get over that. thinking about her moving is like being dropped off in my dorm room all over again. that panicky feeling of looking to the left and to the right, wondering "what the fuck am i going to do now?" only she understands truly how it feels to watch your heart walk away as you leave your beloved family members at the airport. or how it is to have no family there to celebrate holidays, or your birthday with. to have no gifts to open....

i recently asked her why she thought i have had so many failed relationships in the past year. she told me that i am trying to replace/reinvent something that i am missing. that feeling of having someone so close to you that they can understand what you are saying when you say "do we need to go to that place, and get that thing?" and know what it is you are saying. she thinks i am desperate to get it.

the truth is, i don't want to replace her. i don't want to, and don't think that i ever could, find someone to fill her shoes.

but i still want her here. i miss you, bonquita.