Friday, January 22, 2010


well, it's no secret that our niece is sick. it's no secret that we live in a culture in which others think they are entitled to, and should, give their opinions on such things...all.the.time.

i am tired of people telling me not to feel guilty about this baby. i am tired of people saying "oh, the family will see it as a new beginning" or "you shouldn't let the tragedy get in the way of your happiness." you know what? we don't feel that way. and it's okay.

of COURSE we are overjoyed with our healthy baby girl. we are FOREVER grateful for our healthy boy. but we have a huge feeling of guilt and sadness...and i think we are entitled to that. once you become a parent, and see the world-changing way a baby makes you the view life, you put yourself in every parent's shoes when tragedy strikes. people make a face and shake their heads and always say "i couldn't even imagine." well, some people HAVE to imagine...because it's their reality. it's going to be ours....theirs...the family's.

we don't ever want to cause more pain to them then they have already gone through. it's M's sister's only child...she is not going to have any more. and to those thinking "oh she will have more"'re wrong. she won't. so stop saying it. it hurts. we fear that seeing our kids, or any kids, will hurt them. we fear that the extended family will continue to push us away more than before. because it will hurt them too much to love our kids. i am not saying that from a selfish standpoint, but from a standpoint of fear for the family's feelings of pain and for our kids for not getting that love.

we don't want them to hurt any more. we don't want mattie to have cancer. we don't want to keep explaining our feelings. we don't expect anyone to understand, because we hardly do ourselves. our feelings are valid, they are true, and to tell us how we should be viewing it/dealing with it/processing it is just plain ignorant. because if you have NOT been in our shoes, then you have absolutely no right to offer advice. advice is given from someone who has experienced it. many have exprienced death with a an elder, a distant relative....but a CHILD is a whole different ballgame. there is no explaining it away..."oh they lived a good life" or "she was old." no. not the same at all.

we are simply angry.


  1. ~Have your moment~

    No one needs an explanation, because as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, "the best thing to do when it's raining, is to let it rain."

    I'm sorry it's pouring. I'm sorry for what is, and for what's to come. I'm sorry this hurts so much, but most of all I'm sorry I can't be there, to hold your hand, or if only to distract you with gnomes and shopping.

    I <3 you!

  2. drives you nuts doesn't it? I was amazed at some of the things that came out of peoples mouths last year when my dad passed away (unexpectedly last year) and my grandfather this year... or the amount of times we were told by people that we should have a kid to offer my mom a distraction.. i mean really? are you f;ing kidding me? it's obvious they are trying to their best to deal with a situation they find difficult and want to offer support, but sometimes less is more, and not ssaying anything is better then opening your mouth and making the person who has to hear you want to ask if you thought before you opened your mouth.


    i really can't begin to relate to the situation, and so I won't even try.. i just offer your hugs and prayers.

  3. I wish I had all the right things to say. I am so sorry that you are hurting.