all things wonderful

the elephant in the room

well, i will blog about it. i know some of you are waiting. however, it will be broken into various posts. it's too heavy, too hard, too much for one entry.

mattie, our niece, has been sick for quite some time. marc and i have anticipated her passing for quite some time. she made it to her 5th birthday, and while that was a miracle in itself, we feared she would pass away while i was in the hospital and i would not be able to be there.

the birth of our daughter came and went, and my mother in law left mattie's side to be here with me, because i thought i needed her.

claire was 16 days old. i took her to bed with me and took a nap while MIL watched jack. i woke up after 20 minutes and heard the dog barking horrifically. i screamed at her to shut the (#&@%) up and she stopped. not normal. then i heard a man's voice. not normal because MIL certainly does not have gentleman callers. i grabbed claire and headed down the stairs.

i found marc sitting on the bed and MIL's belongings packed. i heard her saying that she just needed to leave. i asked what was wrong - was everything okay? marc shook his head and MIL told me mattie was gone. i didn't understand....i asked if she had died. they said yes.

i sat down in the middle of the stairs, holding my brand new baby, and burst into tears. i shouted "i am sorry you were here with us and not with her!" and MIL told me not to be sorry, that this was a relief. it didn't feel so releiving to me. it felt as though my heart was being stepped on and my back was on fire. i asked who had been there with her?

as it turns out, mattie had been having a good day. she had no pain, which was very uncommon, ate a ton and did arts and crafts. she asked her daddy for a nap, and her mom decided it was safe to go shopping with her best friend. she left and mattie went down for her nap. duane, mattie's daddy, went to check on her and could tell immediately that she had gone.

when i learned that mattie's mom had missed her passing, i sobbed even harder. as a mother, i simply cannot fathom that feeling.

marc and i made some calls. some i could muster out, some i cried so hard i choked. we sent out texts, and updated facebook. the calls started pouring in. marc and i decided to go out for mexican, in honor of mattie's favorite restaraunt, and almost got caught in a tornado....and lost our brand new patio set in the madness. normally i would have had a FIT, but it paled in comparison to our new reality.

the worst part? jack would wipe off my tears and say "mama, no tears. mattie is coming to play."

(may 17)

on may 17th, 2010, we arrived for my c-section at 6am. my mother had flown in a few days before to hang out with jackson, and my mother in law was in town to help.

we arrived and i was prepped and ready. i was so nervous, but excited to be done - i ad been so swollen and had the heartburn of the devil!

i had a TON of anxiety surrounding the spinal, and when they took me out to get me ready, i took one look at marc and burst into tears. i was really crying hard by the time i was sitting on the table (which, by the way, was about 6 inches wide) and i was crying HARD. as in, sobbing into a towel. it took them over 5 tries to get the spinal in and my crying was putting everyone on edge. i was so terrified.

finally marc came in and i was throwing up really, really, really bad. they gave me "something to calm me down" and i continued to throw up. they gave me some anti-nausea meds, but they didn't work. they made me really tired and i started to nod off. i felt nothing but a slight feeling of someone tapping on my bellybutton and my whole body shook back and forth as they took her out.

he came out and SCREAMED. they brought her over and all i remember is telling marc "she looks like jack." and she did. and then she peed on the floor.

i fell asleep shortly after seeing her and was in and out of consciousness for the next 6 hours. i remember bits and pieces of the rest of the day, but not the majority.

i had some new pain relief methods and didn't need anything by the time i left to go home. i was walking with no pain by the 3rd day in the hospital. the nurses were incredible and i became friends with several of them. they hung out in my room a lot! i sent claire to the nursery every night...except she didn't make it there. the nurses kept her at their station! i stayed an extra day and it was 100% worth it. the extra time to recover was priceless.

jackson is doing so so so well and we couldn't be more proud of him. he is truly the most incredible little boy i have ever met.