we are trying to get ready for baby 2.0's arrival. we have lots leftover from jack...but some things that we need to replace. this time around, the finanaces are different, so we are trying to spend less :) we have to buy:
play mat (have one from a fellow nestie that is on hold for us! score!)
light-up thingy for her crib (i always call it an aquarium for lack of a better term...)
i really want a snap-and-go for her stroller, her stroller is trashed (we will see if i get vetoed)
finish decorating her room (it's a nightmare!)
hang her new door to her room
paint her trim
window treatments. ughhhh (however we located some white ones from PBK from jacks first room that we thought were lost. score!)
a nursing cover (or 3) - will make
blankets
bibs - make
is that it? goodness!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
commentary
well, it's no secret that our niece is sick. it's no secret that we live in a culture in which others think they are entitled to, and should, give their opinions on such things...all.the.time.
i am tired of people telling me not to feel guilty about this baby. i am tired of people saying "oh, the family will see it as a new beginning" or "you shouldn't let the tragedy get in the way of your happiness." you know what? we don't feel that way. and it's okay.
of COURSE we are overjoyed with our healthy baby girl. we are FOREVER grateful for our healthy boy. but we have a huge feeling of guilt and sadness...and i think we are entitled to that. once you become a parent, and see the world-changing way a baby makes you the view life, you put yourself in every parent's shoes when tragedy strikes. people make a face and shake their heads and always say "i couldn't even imagine." well, some people HAVE to imagine...because it's their reality. it's going to be ours....theirs...the family's.
we don't ever want to cause more pain to them then they have already gone through. it's M's sister's only child...she is not going to have any more. and to those thinking "oh she will have more"....you're wrong. she won't. so stop saying it. it hurts. we fear that seeing our kids, or any kids, will hurt them. we fear that the extended family will continue to push us away more than before. because it will hurt them too much to love our kids. i am not saying that from a selfish standpoint, but from a standpoint of fear for the family's feelings of pain and for our kids for not getting that love.
we don't want them to hurt any more. we don't want mattie to have cancer. we don't want to keep explaining our feelings. we don't expect anyone to understand, because we hardly do ourselves. our feelings are valid, they are true, and to tell us how we should be viewing it/dealing with it/processing it is just plain ignorant. because if you have NOT been in our shoes, then you have absolutely no right to offer advice. advice is given from someone who has experienced it. many have exprienced death with a an elder, a distant relative....but a CHILD is a whole different ballgame. there is no explaining it away..."oh they lived a good life" or "she was old." no. not the same at all.
we are simply angry.
i am tired of people telling me not to feel guilty about this baby. i am tired of people saying "oh, the family will see it as a new beginning" or "you shouldn't let the tragedy get in the way of your happiness." you know what? we don't feel that way. and it's okay.
of COURSE we are overjoyed with our healthy baby girl. we are FOREVER grateful for our healthy boy. but we have a huge feeling of guilt and sadness...and i think we are entitled to that. once you become a parent, and see the world-changing way a baby makes you the view life, you put yourself in every parent's shoes when tragedy strikes. people make a face and shake their heads and always say "i couldn't even imagine." well, some people HAVE to imagine...because it's their reality. it's going to be ours....theirs...the family's.
we don't ever want to cause more pain to them then they have already gone through. it's M's sister's only child...she is not going to have any more. and to those thinking "oh she will have more"....you're wrong. she won't. so stop saying it. it hurts. we fear that seeing our kids, or any kids, will hurt them. we fear that the extended family will continue to push us away more than before. because it will hurt them too much to love our kids. i am not saying that from a selfish standpoint, but from a standpoint of fear for the family's feelings of pain and for our kids for not getting that love.
we don't want them to hurt any more. we don't want mattie to have cancer. we don't want to keep explaining our feelings. we don't expect anyone to understand, because we hardly do ourselves. our feelings are valid, they are true, and to tell us how we should be viewing it/dealing with it/processing it is just plain ignorant. because if you have NOT been in our shoes, then you have absolutely no right to offer advice. advice is given from someone who has experienced it. many have exprienced death with a an elder, a distant relative....but a CHILD is a whole different ballgame. there is no explaining it away..."oh they lived a good life" or "she was old." no. not the same at all.
we are simply angry.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
almost passed out!
our neighbor came over with her itty bitty new baby. marc and i discussed that in no way was our baby EVER that small (even though little james was 8 oz bigger than our jack) and today i came accross these pictures (plus MANY MANY MORE) and i almost died right here on my floor.
how quickly we forget. how desperately we try to remember....
Monday, January 18, 2010
please keep me accountable
and by having a baby girl....do NOT let me put those bands with bows/flowers/large obnoxiousness on her head. they are just silly.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
updates
so...i have majorly been slacking. MAJOR. but it's okay, lots to touch base on.
we are proud to announce we are expecting a baby GIRL in May. she will arrive via c-section, which i am NOT pleased about, but it will be okay.
i was told shortly before christmas that the store in which i have been employed for almost 2 years will be closing. at this time, i am being told that i am being transferred to the other store in columbus, but we will see...
that being said, baby 2.0's room is going to be freaking adorable. a generous discount, combined with a store closing discount = good deals for the A family. she DOES have a name, which we changed in the past few days, but we are not telling. stay tuned!!!
we are preparing to say goodbye to our little niece. we are not sure when, but we know it will be sooner rather than later. we are not sure how we will handle this, but we will get through it. it's like a heavy rain cloud that is looming on the horizon. it clouds our joy, regardless of whether we should let it or not, of our upcoming arrival. because we know that the 2 things will be very close in timing and we are just unsure of how to deal with that. i have a few things to say about the comments we receive, and the advice, but that's a post for another day...
we are proud to announce we are expecting a baby GIRL in May. she will arrive via c-section, which i am NOT pleased about, but it will be okay.
i was told shortly before christmas that the store in which i have been employed for almost 2 years will be closing. at this time, i am being told that i am being transferred to the other store in columbus, but we will see...
that being said, baby 2.0's room is going to be freaking adorable. a generous discount, combined with a store closing discount = good deals for the A family. she DOES have a name, which we changed in the past few days, but we are not telling. stay tuned!!!
we are preparing to say goodbye to our little niece. we are not sure when, but we know it will be sooner rather than later. we are not sure how we will handle this, but we will get through it. it's like a heavy rain cloud that is looming on the horizon. it clouds our joy, regardless of whether we should let it or not, of our upcoming arrival. because we know that the 2 things will be very close in timing and we are just unsure of how to deal with that. i have a few things to say about the comments we receive, and the advice, but that's a post for another day...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
adoption
this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. i am watching dr. phil and there is a mother of a (adopted) child and she is talking about strangers' comments. it really hits home.
i do have/have had people make comments about it all of my life: do you think your parents treat you differently because your sibs are adopted? do you think that's because they aren't your real siblings? does your brother/sister wonder about his/her mom or dad? yeah, but they aren't your REAL siblings....
it's just so rude and coldhearted. my mother may not have given BIRTH to my sister or brother, but they are still my siblings. i don't look at it any other way. none of us do. we are so much alike it's uncanny.
it's almost like i would like to respond by saying "do you feel that way/is that because your sister is so much better looking/more successful than you/is smarter than you?" but i don't - because it's inappropriate and just one of those things you dont say.
in the words of dr. phil...don't assume adoption is a second choice. for some, it's a first choice.
there is more to being a parent or a family than blood relation. and those comments and inuendos really hurt the loved ones of an adopted child.
i do have/have had people make comments about it all of my life: do you think your parents treat you differently because your sibs are adopted? do you think that's because they aren't your real siblings? does your brother/sister wonder about his/her mom or dad? yeah, but they aren't your REAL siblings....
it's just so rude and coldhearted. my mother may not have given BIRTH to my sister or brother, but they are still my siblings. i don't look at it any other way. none of us do. we are so much alike it's uncanny.
it's almost like i would like to respond by saying "do you feel that way/is that because your sister is so much better looking/more successful than you/is smarter than you?" but i don't - because it's inappropriate and just one of those things you dont say.
in the words of dr. phil...don't assume adoption is a second choice. for some, it's a first choice.
there is more to being a parent or a family than blood relation. and those comments and inuendos really hurt the loved ones of an adopted child.
quote of the day!
Character is what you are...reputation is what you try to make other people think you are.
.
.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
a good quote
i love quotes. i think it re-affirms what you are thinking, and it's refreshing to hear your thoughts echoed in the words of someone else.
one that echoes in my ears lately is "when someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them." my own personal spin? especially if it's that person's spouse! ha!
one that echoes in my ears lately is "when someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them." my own personal spin? especially if it's that person's spouse! ha!
Friday, January 1, 2010
onto 2010
it's january 1! happy birthday, my dear marc!
2009 was a good year, in the importance of all things.
marc, jack, and i were all healthy, and remain healthy. i got pregnant, and we are expecting our baby girl in may 2010. we shall call her aubry 2.0. my brother was married adn we had safe travels to NH. my parents visited and they are in good health. my sister and her kids are in good health, as are her in-laws. my bff nea came for a visit and although i only got to see her for a few hours out of the week she was here, it was wonderful.
on the not-so-great-side, we learned that our precious niece has terminal cancer. she is beginning to struggle on a daily basis and all we can hope is that she makes it to her 5th birthday in april. i was laid off a few weeks ago but was lucky enough to be relocated to a new location. sadly, not all my friends made the cut.
we have worked hard this year to stay out of major debt, and we were successful. we have a tiny bit left, which is highly annoying, but it will be paid off in a few weeks.
i have some resolutions and goals for the upcoming year but will blog about them later...one is to update my blog mroe often! lol.
have a happy and healthy new year.
2009 was a good year, in the importance of all things.
marc, jack, and i were all healthy, and remain healthy. i got pregnant, and we are expecting our baby girl in may 2010. we shall call her aubry 2.0. my brother was married adn we had safe travels to NH. my parents visited and they are in good health. my sister and her kids are in good health, as are her in-laws. my bff nea came for a visit and although i only got to see her for a few hours out of the week she was here, it was wonderful.
on the not-so-great-side, we learned that our precious niece has terminal cancer. she is beginning to struggle on a daily basis and all we can hope is that she makes it to her 5th birthday in april. i was laid off a few weeks ago but was lucky enough to be relocated to a new location. sadly, not all my friends made the cut.
we have worked hard this year to stay out of major debt, and we were successful. we have a tiny bit left, which is highly annoying, but it will be paid off in a few weeks.
i have some resolutions and goals for the upcoming year but will blog about them later...one is to update my blog mroe often! lol.
have a happy and healthy new year.
Monday, December 7, 2009
oopsy!
i have been STINKING on the blog front. sorry.
since thanksgiving a lot of things have changed. our niece's status has changed from "cancer free" to "terminal." we are devastated and at a loss. she is currently participating in an experimental study at st. jude's that is a lot of work and invasive to her little body. we will see.
our guest that is arriving sunday just informed us she has invited 4-5 other guests. nice.
last evening we (i) learned some other news that is completely worrysome and troubling to our little family. as in when i walked into the house, my husband said "you can't be serious?" uh yeah. wish i was, my darling. i hate our lives being in limbo. i am growing weary of it and it seems to keep happening.
since thanksgiving a lot of things have changed. our niece's status has changed from "cancer free" to "terminal." we are devastated and at a loss. she is currently participating in an experimental study at st. jude's that is a lot of work and invasive to her little body. we will see.
our guest that is arriving sunday just informed us she has invited 4-5 other guests. nice.
last evening we (i) learned some other news that is completely worrysome and troubling to our little family. as in when i walked into the house, my husband said "you can't be serious?" uh yeah. wish i was, my darling. i hate our lives being in limbo. i am growing weary of it and it seems to keep happening.
Monday, November 2, 2009
trick or treat!
what a ham! before halloween we painted our pumpkins. he is obsessed with painting pumpkins. i would never have thought he remembered from last year. he doesn't forget anything. i think he gets it from nea! he certainly doesn't get that from ME!
my SIL and her new boyfriend came with us. we had a really really nice time. jack loved the both of them and had so much fun! jack said "fank you" everytime he got candy and even said it to the kids he passed out the candy to! way cute.
everyone thought he was a ninja turtle? i guess that's what happen when people becom used to disney-inspired store bought costumes. no thought. no heart! my mom always made our costumes and that's a tradition i hope to continue. until he gets to "that age." sigh.....
but until then i have my little turtle. :)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
wedding day
we traveled to NH for my brother's wedding in september. it was a private ceremony officiated by my sister and i (my brother officiated our weddings!) and it was held at our summer home. in a tiny town of about 1,000 people. on the land where my grandfather bought property and had the trees but down, then processed into lumber. used the lumber to build a cabin with 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, a bunk room, a full kitchen and laundry and 2 decks. set back from the water, and even the toilet paper rods were hand-carved. borrowed bricks from a nearby abandoned building to build our fireplace, and in the middle is a brick taken from a confederate soldier's house in the Civil War era. to bring it that far north was supposed to be a symbolic kick to the crotch. :)
it was catered by an INCREDIBLE catering company that served lobster rolls (a new england tradition), orange seared scallops, a delicious truffle custard, guacamole and margartias (the boys' FAVORITE) and the most incredible entrees and AMAZING desserts we have ever eaten.
i did the flowers and the place settings, including the brown ribbons on the napkins. that deserves a whole other post :) the boys wanted locally grown, natural-looking flowers. my mom and i got these at a local apple orcahrd farm stand where i worked as a young teenager.
this is the tent we rented. it's where the boys had thier ceremony and i never thought it would have fit! see how dense the woods are? the trees are so thick it's sometimes hard to walk. it was perfect.
i adore this picture. my cousin peter, who has my grandma's firey red hair, and his mom (my mom's sister) are standing with my second cousin james. the guy with the laptop is my uncle (mom's brother) and beside him is my great aunt. i simply adore her. she is my grandmother's last remaining sister. she is almost 90. every time i see her her health declines, and her husband didn't even make it out this day. her hair is blonde as blonde can be, and she has so much spunk and personality.....i love her to the moon and back. i fear the end is coming. i simply can't handle it. i am so happy she was there.
my mom and sister. that's all i have to say about that.
far right, my until-recently-but-now-in-your-face-all-the-time uncle. dad's bro. dad in the middle....see the resemblance?
my brother, left, and newest brother in law.
it was catered by an INCREDIBLE catering company that served lobster rolls (a new england tradition), orange seared scallops, a delicious truffle custard, guacamole and margartias (the boys' FAVORITE) and the most incredible entrees and AMAZING desserts we have ever eaten.
i did the flowers and the place settings, including the brown ribbons on the napkins. that deserves a whole other post :) the boys wanted locally grown, natural-looking flowers. my mom and i got these at a local apple orcahrd farm stand where i worked as a young teenager.
this is the tent we rented. it's where the boys had thier ceremony and i never thought it would have fit! see how dense the woods are? the trees are so thick it's sometimes hard to walk. it was perfect.
i adore this picture. my cousin peter, who has my grandma's firey red hair, and his mom (my mom's sister) are standing with my second cousin james. the guy with the laptop is my uncle (mom's brother) and beside him is my great aunt. i simply adore her. she is my grandmother's last remaining sister. she is almost 90. every time i see her her health declines, and her husband didn't even make it out this day. her hair is blonde as blonde can be, and she has so much spunk and personality.....i love her to the moon and back. i fear the end is coming. i simply can't handle it. i am so happy she was there.
my mom and sister. that's all i have to say about that.
far right, my until-recently-but-now-in-your-face-all-the-time uncle. dad's bro. dad in the middle....see the resemblance? 
the whole gang.
my brother, left, and newest brother in law. 
vows. tear-inducing. my brother is a fantastic speaker.
jay-z and big daddy.
honestly, the nicest group of people i have ever met. the kindest and sweetest guests. they were so wonderful to my parents and my son adored them. jackson cried and cried when they departed back to san fransisco. he even named on of his dinosaurs "uncle steve" because steve bought it for him. i am so sad to say that one of these kind-hearted people has recently suffered from a terrible, terrible accident. one that brought me to my knees and praying to god that he wouldn't be taken from my brother.
all in all, it was what a wedding should have been. a happy time in a memorable place surrounded by those in love, and those who do love. the type of love may be non-traditional and non-customary, but it is the epitome of TRUE LOVE. which, no matter what formit takes, is a wonderful thing.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
hiatus!
so much to update on!
teasers from an Inn that used to belong to my family.....jack is the 6th generation of family to sit on those steps. amazing
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
thoughts on thursday
There comes a point in your life when you realize: who matters, who never did, who won't anymore...and who always will. So, don't worry about the people from your past because there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future. - friend from facebook
on another note, i feel like there are so many things in my life right now that are just hanging in limbo, dependent on others to determine. i hate it. i hate leaving my fate up to another, especially when sometimes you feel like you can't trust people.
hopefully things will be changing!
on another note, i feel like there are so many things in my life right now that are just hanging in limbo, dependent on others to determine. i hate it. i hate leaving my fate up to another, especially when sometimes you feel like you can't trust people.
hopefully things will be changing!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
having limited internet
sucks. big time.
i am here, alive and kicking. i am super excited about a new opportunity that was dropped on me today. it would be so great for me and my little family......stay tuned!!!
i am here, alive and kicking. i am super excited about a new opportunity that was dropped on me today. it would be so great for me and my little family......stay tuned!!!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
random things
my kid is so funny. his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds but he is yet to really form sentences.
today i changed his diaper and said "ewwwwwwwww louis! you stink!" he said "sorry, mommy!"
just now he hugged the fridge and gave it a kiss.
i made a sad noise when i dopped my bag this morning and he said "it okay, mommy" and hugged me.
he comes rolling into the kitchen on his tricycle with marc's bike helmet on. sideways.
i heart him.
today i changed his diaper and said "ewwwwwwwww louis! you stink!" he said "sorry, mommy!"
just now he hugged the fridge and gave it a kiss.
i made a sad noise when i dopped my bag this morning and he said "it okay, mommy" and hugged me.
he comes rolling into the kitchen on his tricycle with marc's bike helmet on. sideways.
i heart him.
Monday, July 6, 2009
a few from the 4th
jim the dog.
jack the amazing swimming baby.
my boys. hard at work.
i wish i was joking.
new recipies
one thing i love about being a SAHM is getting dinner ready for my family. i love that marc comes home and he heads out to the yard and plays with his little boy while i bring food to the table. granted, it's sometimes a drive-thru dinner, but alas.....i can cook. really.
the first is a dip from Real Simple. it was really simple! we decided that it would be fantastic if made a little thinner and used as a spread on a grilled chicken sammy. mmmmmmmmm...
1C sour cream
10 oz thawed, drained chopped spinach
1 clove of garlic
salt and pepper
1/4 FRESH grated parmsesan (i buy the wedge and grate it myself. no Kraft in this house! blech!)
mix well and chill until very cold. i served it with homemade pita chips. it was heavenly.
the second is also from Real Simple. it was supposed to be a salsa but i wanted it as a salad, so i chopped it larger and more coarsely.
mix equal parts of roma tomatoes, red onion, yellow pepper, and toss in a pre-blended mix of 1T olive oil and 1T red wine vinegar (i added a touch of sugar) with salt and pepper.
memorable words monday
"when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them." maya angelou
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
toddler tip tuesday
i know it's wednesday. give me some slack :)
when your little one is ready for table food, use a cheap-o pair of kitchen shears or plain scissors. you can cut more precisely and quickly. keep a spare in your diaper bags for restaruants, to avoid a mess and akward cutting. it will also help to cut up food that is too hot (isn't it always?) to cool quicker. when i was running my daycare, it was a MUST HAVE ITEM.
when you have a sick toddler, and are using the armpit method of taking his temp, dress him in a sleeveless shirt or muscle tee. no pulling arms through of sleeves or fishing around in a loose t-shirt. you know how it is when you have a fever-ish toddler that is c.r.a.b.b.y.
.
when your little one is ready for table food, use a cheap-o pair of kitchen shears or plain scissors. you can cut more precisely and quickly. keep a spare in your diaper bags for restaruants, to avoid a mess and akward cutting. it will also help to cut up food that is too hot (isn't it always?) to cool quicker. when i was running my daycare, it was a MUST HAVE ITEM.
when you have a sick toddler, and are using the armpit method of taking his temp, dress him in a sleeveless shirt or muscle tee. no pulling arms through of sleeves or fishing around in a loose t-shirt. you know how it is when you have a fever-ish toddler that is c.r.a.b.b.y.
.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
intervention
i watch intervention all the time. i cry every single time. my husband asks why.....and i never tell him.
in my old job, as a child protective services worker, i had a variety of clients. ther ewere a few that stuck out in my mind. a few that i will never forget.
one will never leave my memory. in fact, i think of him every.single.day. he came to me as the father of an itty-bitty baby. he had a drug problem. he was violent and angry. he was manipulative and deceitful. he was charming, he was sweet, he was nice. we will call him brad.
brad was in a hostile realtionship with his daughter's mom. they manipulated each other and manipulated me. he had a serious problem with drugs. a serious problem. when he came to me, he had been through 22 treatment programs and was still using crack cocaine. he had a very inappropriate relationship with his own mother, and she was waaaay too involved in his life. she enabled him and bailed him out.
whenever he would call me, i went to him. i once got a call that he was high and destroying property, and was dangerous to be around. i hopped in my car, arrived at his place, and begged him to let me in. he broke down and cried and we talked. i convinced him that he was better than this, because he was. he came from a nice family, had an expensive education, and he did not belong with the other families that i worked with.
i saw him weekly. he called me no less than 5-10 times a day. he was a little....high-maintenance. :) he would often show up in my lobby, demanding to see me, making a scene. his hair would be sticking out, his fly would be open, but he always greeted me with that rediculous, goofy smile. even when he was in prison or jail, and i would visit him there, and he woudl shout and spit at me through the glass...he would always look like a little boy.
as much as he manipulated me, and made look like a fool, and even as many times as i went to bat for him....i liked him a lot. i always told him so, and that he had so much potential. his mother would scream at me. she would call me names. she would manipulate me, too. they all did.
towards the end, he spiraled out of control. i had a very memorable conversation with him, urging him to "do the right thing....." what everyone knew he was capable of. i reassured him that i had faith in him, and that i would see him the next day at 1pm. he said "sarah, thanks. i may abuse you, but i appreciate all you have ever done for me. you're the only one who has never turned their back on me." i was happy.
the next morning, i arrived at sharon's house (his mom) to see his baby. when i got there sharon told me "well, sarah, you got your wish. brad won't be a problem anymore. he's dead." i stared at her and said no, no he wasn't. that i had an appointment with him soon after i was leaving her home. she nodded and said that brad had taken his own life. and it was my fault.
she said many more things to me, things that i can't even repeat. things i know are not true, but that stick in the back of my mind.....i think about him every single day of my life. i drive by the place where his funeral took place every time i leave my house. i wonder about him and his mom. there were so many incidents with him, on a daily occurence, that stick out in my mind. years of daily interactions. some hilarious, some sad. some that make me furious, some that embarrass me.
i remember the look on his dad's face as i walked to my car that day. the way he chased me and said "sarah! it's not your fault. it's not anyone's fault. it was his destiny." and the way i burst into tears and cried. and cried. and cried. and got sent home from work that day. the way that i layed on my couch and waited for my mom's flight to arrive for my baby shower. i remember every minute of his funeral, and the way his family's eyes burned into my back. the nudges and glances as well as the knowing looks of "oh.....you're the one who was supposed to help him."
i think that is why i watch intervention. i see brad in every addict. i see sharon in every.single.family.member. i look for the thing i missed. i know i did everything in my power, and i know i could not have changed his fate. if he hadn't died by his own hand, he would have died from the drugs. but then why am i still looking?
in my old job, as a child protective services worker, i had a variety of clients. ther ewere a few that stuck out in my mind. a few that i will never forget.
one will never leave my memory. in fact, i think of him every.single.day. he came to me as the father of an itty-bitty baby. he had a drug problem. he was violent and angry. he was manipulative and deceitful. he was charming, he was sweet, he was nice. we will call him brad.
brad was in a hostile realtionship with his daughter's mom. they manipulated each other and manipulated me. he had a serious problem with drugs. a serious problem. when he came to me, he had been through 22 treatment programs and was still using crack cocaine. he had a very inappropriate relationship with his own mother, and she was waaaay too involved in his life. she enabled him and bailed him out.
whenever he would call me, i went to him. i once got a call that he was high and destroying property, and was dangerous to be around. i hopped in my car, arrived at his place, and begged him to let me in. he broke down and cried and we talked. i convinced him that he was better than this, because he was. he came from a nice family, had an expensive education, and he did not belong with the other families that i worked with.
i saw him weekly. he called me no less than 5-10 times a day. he was a little....high-maintenance. :) he would often show up in my lobby, demanding to see me, making a scene. his hair would be sticking out, his fly would be open, but he always greeted me with that rediculous, goofy smile. even when he was in prison or jail, and i would visit him there, and he woudl shout and spit at me through the glass...he would always look like a little boy.
as much as he manipulated me, and made look like a fool, and even as many times as i went to bat for him....i liked him a lot. i always told him so, and that he had so much potential. his mother would scream at me. she would call me names. she would manipulate me, too. they all did.
towards the end, he spiraled out of control. i had a very memorable conversation with him, urging him to "do the right thing....." what everyone knew he was capable of. i reassured him that i had faith in him, and that i would see him the next day at 1pm. he said "sarah, thanks. i may abuse you, but i appreciate all you have ever done for me. you're the only one who has never turned their back on me." i was happy.
the next morning, i arrived at sharon's house (his mom) to see his baby. when i got there sharon told me "well, sarah, you got your wish. brad won't be a problem anymore. he's dead." i stared at her and said no, no he wasn't. that i had an appointment with him soon after i was leaving her home. she nodded and said that brad had taken his own life. and it was my fault.
she said many more things to me, things that i can't even repeat. things i know are not true, but that stick in the back of my mind.....i think about him every single day of my life. i drive by the place where his funeral took place every time i leave my house. i wonder about him and his mom. there were so many incidents with him, on a daily occurence, that stick out in my mind. years of daily interactions. some hilarious, some sad. some that make me furious, some that embarrass me.
i remember the look on his dad's face as i walked to my car that day. the way he chased me and said "sarah! it's not your fault. it's not anyone's fault. it was his destiny." and the way i burst into tears and cried. and cried. and cried. and got sent home from work that day. the way that i layed on my couch and waited for my mom's flight to arrive for my baby shower. i remember every minute of his funeral, and the way his family's eyes burned into my back. the nudges and glances as well as the knowing looks of "oh.....you're the one who was supposed to help him."
i think that is why i watch intervention. i see brad in every addict. i see sharon in every.single.family.member. i look for the thing i missed. i know i did everything in my power, and i know i could not have changed his fate. if he hadn't died by his own hand, he would have died from the drugs. but then why am i still looking?
thankful thursday!
today i thankful for...
a beautiful sunny day with my boy
fresh strawberries
my husband
friends that give just as much as they take
grilling out tonight
a beautiful sunny day with my boy
fresh strawberries
my husband
friends that give just as much as they take
grilling out tonight
Monday, June 15, 2009
oh so funny!
listen, mrs F-bomb ..... don't give yourself too much credit. your entry was neither whitty nor original. keep trying.
per usual, your blog (yawn) is full of things written/done by other people. don't beleive me? here's your pic.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3657/3413625562_13f6d79739.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/16842966%40N00/3413625562/&h=333&w=500&sz=128&tbnid=qr5zvQamkg1MqM:&tbnh=87&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dimages%2Bof%2Bswiper%2Band%2Bboots%2Bon%2Ba%2Bcake&hl=en&usg=__iuNpps5Xm_uauYjv77Z-3TVj49Y=&ei=s0k2SorFKILSNPGGwIIK&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image
per usual, your blog (yawn) is full of things written/done by other people. don't beleive me? here's your pic.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3657/3413625562_13f6d79739.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/16842966%40N00/3413625562/&h=333&w=500&sz=128&tbnid=qr5zvQamkg1MqM:&tbnh=87&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dimages%2Bof%2Bswiper%2Band%2Bboots%2Bon%2Ba%2Bcake&hl=en&usg=__iuNpps5Xm_uauYjv77Z-3TVj49Y=&ei=s0k2SorFKILSNPGGwIIK&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image
Friday, June 12, 2009
jack's new room - jungle themed room
Not the best photos, but these will do. I made the quilt and the elephant pillow. The rocking chair Marc and I stained when I was pregnant. The cubes are from Target, and the furniture is from PBK, as is the window hardware, the lamp, the lion pillow, the rug, and the animal mobile over the bed. I also made the sheers that hang behind the regular curtains. The photos are ones I took last year at the zoo and the animals on the shelves are from the $1 spot at Target.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
so.damn.tired.
i need to stick to my guns. i really need to stop letting things bother me, things people do or don't say get to me, including family. including friends. including coworkers.
my homey dr. phil says that you can't expect reactions from others and then get disappointed when you don't receive them. i need to stop expecting certain reactions from those i love or even just like, even those i know are capable and willing to give the best of themselves to others. even those who i KNOW give those actions to others.
that's it. that's all. the end :)
.
my homey dr. phil says that you can't expect reactions from others and then get disappointed when you don't receive them. i need to stop expecting certain reactions from those i love or even just like, even those i know are capable and willing to give the best of themselves to others. even those who i KNOW give those actions to others.
that's it. that's all. the end :)
.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
love this!
this chick rocks. and i will soon be making samoa cupcakes for father's day. i adore her and her blog. check her out:
i love this idea, and will buying one of these asap.
Monday, June 1, 2009
drifters
in 1998, i packed up and left my teeny tiny town in new hampshire. i left behind mountains, bautiful landscapes, a wealthy farm town that was full of equestrian rings and apple orchards, cheap seafood, and a house in the woods. i left my family, my friends, everyone i knew. i left my boyfriend. my clothes. my pictures. my best friend.
i moved to ohio. humid, dry, flat ohio. columbus, where people think a particular zip code is a bragging right. where i learned the rules and rituals of dorm life. where i watched people go home on the weekends, and on holidays. where i watched through email that all my friends from home were still hanging out. i learned to depend on myself, and only myself.
i got a job. 2 jobs, in fact. i still went to school full time and shared an apartment off campus and had a new boyfriend. some of my realtionships from freshman year dwindled and i started a new job on a whim, and never expected my life to change so dramatically. i met her at the daycare, our lives were as about as differnt as they could be. her name was nea and she had a one year old baby girl. she was married and had moved here from sunny california.
although we seemed different at that time, it was amazing to see how much the same we were. we liked the same things, had teh same passions, have the same thoughts. if you ever got on either one of our bad sides......we have been known to tag team. and not in THAT way. i don't even think we particularly cared for each other very much at first.
now, almost 10 years later, we are still tight. i graduated from ohio state, married that boyfriend, and had a baby. she bought a house, had TWO MORE KIDS, and moved away.
i don't think i will ever get over that. thinking about her moving is like being dropped off in my dorm room all over again. that panicky feeling of looking to the left and to the right, wondering "what the fuck am i going to do now?" only she understands truly how it feels to watch your heart walk away as you leave your beloved family members at the airport. or how it is to have no family there to celebrate holidays, or your birthday with. to have no gifts to open....
i recently asked her why she thought i have had so many failed relationships in the past year. she told me that i am trying to replace/reinvent something that i am missing. that feeling of having someone so close to you that they can understand what you are saying when you say "do we need to go to that place, and get that thing?" and know what it is you are saying. she thinks i am desperate to get it.
the truth is, i don't want to replace her. i don't want to, and don't think that i ever could, find someone to fill her shoes.
but i still want her here. i miss you, bonquita.
i moved to ohio. humid, dry, flat ohio. columbus, where people think a particular zip code is a bragging right. where i learned the rules and rituals of dorm life. where i watched people go home on the weekends, and on holidays. where i watched through email that all my friends from home were still hanging out. i learned to depend on myself, and only myself.
i got a job. 2 jobs, in fact. i still went to school full time and shared an apartment off campus and had a new boyfriend. some of my realtionships from freshman year dwindled and i started a new job on a whim, and never expected my life to change so dramatically. i met her at the daycare, our lives were as about as differnt as they could be. her name was nea and she had a one year old baby girl. she was married and had moved here from sunny california.
although we seemed different at that time, it was amazing to see how much the same we were. we liked the same things, had teh same passions, have the same thoughts. if you ever got on either one of our bad sides......we have been known to tag team. and not in THAT way. i don't even think we particularly cared for each other very much at first.
now, almost 10 years later, we are still tight. i graduated from ohio state, married that boyfriend, and had a baby. she bought a house, had TWO MORE KIDS, and moved away.
i don't think i will ever get over that. thinking about her moving is like being dropped off in my dorm room all over again. that panicky feeling of looking to the left and to the right, wondering "what the fuck am i going to do now?" only she understands truly how it feels to watch your heart walk away as you leave your beloved family members at the airport. or how it is to have no family there to celebrate holidays, or your birthday with. to have no gifts to open....
i recently asked her why she thought i have had so many failed relationships in the past year. she told me that i am trying to replace/reinvent something that i am missing. that feeling of having someone so close to you that they can understand what you are saying when you say "do we need to go to that place, and get that thing?" and know what it is you are saying. she thinks i am desperate to get it.
the truth is, i don't want to replace her. i don't want to, and don't think that i ever could, find someone to fill her shoes.
but i still want her here. i miss you, bonquita.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
go sarah!
so, we got new cable/phone/internet service. just by switching, we will be earning 200 bucks cash! nice! but when i found out that our new ADT system no longer works, and we have to pay more to ADT just to make it work again, i was mad.
so i called our new provider and told them they needed to give me the extra $ that i have to pay to ADT, as a credit each month. and they did! so we will get and extra $15 off our bill, which is actually a little more than we will owe to ADT. sweet!
and M brought home some plants today...actually, they are trees! for free! now our home will start to look (a little) like a landscape architect DOES live here! lol
(no, they are not blue holly, miss nea) :)
so i called our new provider and told them they needed to give me the extra $ that i have to pay to ADT, as a credit each month. and they did! so we will get and extra $15 off our bill, which is actually a little more than we will owe to ADT. sweet!
and M brought home some plants today...actually, they are trees! for free! now our home will start to look (a little) like a landscape architect DOES live here! lol
(no, they are not blue holly, miss nea) :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
oops.
i stink! i forgot my make it yours monday AND my two truth tues. geez! oh well. i hav ebeen over-scheduling myself and it shows. i work part time at PBK and trying to run my little business on the side...plus i have another part time job. AND trying to stay at home and keep things flowing. trying to clean out the old and de-clutter and stay clean and organized. getting back on the diet bandwagon, with which i am making strides and i am excited about that!
lately i have been feeling overwhelmed and like i am in a sinking hole. i have had to step back from a few engagements, which makes me sad, but at the same time, i have no choice.
it's really funny. this time last year, my income was higher. we had more overall debt. we had zero money in savings and were sturggling. right now, we have pretty much ZERO debt. we should mainly be out of it in the next month or two, and it was only incurred from having to use one credit card from our robbery for a month. our income is less, but we have money in savings and are doing better overall.
i truly think getting rid of my dayvare kid(s), which was sucking the LIFE out of me (and their non-complying parents) taught me so many things and we are so so so much happier now. i am not a prayer-type person, but i have been praying and hoping and trying to see things in different lights....and it's working. we are about to begin some exciting (to us, at least) projects around our home and rather than always chasing that bigger-better-more mentality, we are going to make the best of what we have.
sorry for rambling. it's just sort of a looming cloud. but a happy cloud, like bob ross said :)
lately i have been feeling overwhelmed and like i am in a sinking hole. i have had to step back from a few engagements, which makes me sad, but at the same time, i have no choice.
it's really funny. this time last year, my income was higher. we had more overall debt. we had zero money in savings and were sturggling. right now, we have pretty much ZERO debt. we should mainly be out of it in the next month or two, and it was only incurred from having to use one credit card from our robbery for a month. our income is less, but we have money in savings and are doing better overall.
i truly think getting rid of my dayvare kid(s), which was sucking the LIFE out of me (and their non-complying parents) taught me so many things and we are so so so much happier now. i am not a prayer-type person, but i have been praying and hoping and trying to see things in different lights....and it's working. we are about to begin some exciting (to us, at least) projects around our home and rather than always chasing that bigger-better-more mentality, we are going to make the best of what we have.
sorry for rambling. it's just sort of a looming cloud. but a happy cloud, like bob ross said :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
sometimes
sometimes i feel like i am a square peg, and the world is that round hole.
i shouldn't say sometimes, it has always been there. and it's really feeling that way right now.
i shouldn't say sometimes, it has always been there. and it's really feeling that way right now.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
the playset!
marc has worked really hard! he had to cut all the lumber by hand....i treated all the wood....over 300 screws and 200 bolts and lots of hours. it's done!
two truths and a lie
the long abandoned "two truths". you know how the game is played, folks.
1. i once saw someone i know on jerry springer
2. my friend once got robbed at a bank, and put into the vault
3. i never was a fan of NKOTB when they were popular
which two are the truth and which one is a lie?
1. i once saw someone i know on jerry springer
2. my friend once got robbed at a bank, and put into the vault
3. i never was a fan of NKOTB when they were popular
which two are the truth and which one is a lie?
Monday, April 27, 2009
make it yours MONDAY! marshmallows on a stick!
new element to the blog! make it yours monday!
my friend erin inspired me for these. she makes them often and i 100% borrowed the idea from her (www.erintenneyjohnson.blogspot.com). they are super simple and soooo good. she serves her without the plastic covering, but i serve mine with the plastic. (does that count as how i make it my own? lol)
here's how we do it:
supplies: one bag of large marshmallows, one package of thin sticks, one package of small cellaphane treat bags, one package of Wilton Candy Melters, and colored sprinkles.
before i start i roll the marshys between my hands slightly to shape them up and insert the stick as far as it will go before it pokes out the end. do this with al of them.
in a double boiler melt the chocolate according to the directions. remove bowl from double boiler and dip in the marshys until halfway covered. stand upright in a container but don't allow them to touch. (i use a drinking glass - they lean over the side) and sprinkle with, well, sprinkles! they will get everywhere but it's okay. they will dry in about 5 minutes. (i would do batches of the marshys, they will cool too fast if you do them all at once).
once they are cooled, put them in the small cellaphane bags and tie with coordinating ribbons as tightly as you can.
erin did some her way with strawberry marshys and white chocolate. hers had easter-colored sprinkles and i made some for jack's elmo party with yellow sprinkles and red sprinkles. and mine for easter were classic chocolate with easter-colored sprinkles.
make it your own with white chocolate drizzled over your marshys, or even something else!
have fun!
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